(In)effective ways to apologize

What is the purpose of an apology? We typically apologize when our actions negatively impact someone else and we regret those actions. Apologies aim to make amends and repair relationships.

Let’s examine a few typical (but ineffective) ways in which apologies are delivered:

1. “Sorry, but”

“I’m so sorry for being late, but I missed the bus.”

The “Sorry, but” apology is well-intentioned, but it shifts the blame away from the speaker. By saying “I missed the bus,” they avoid taking full responsibility for being late.

2. “Sorry”

“I’m so sorry for being late.”

This version is better because it doesn’t shift the blame, but it still lacks an acceptance of responsibility.

To remedy this we’ll look at a few atypical (but effective) ways in which apologies are delivered:

3. “Sorry, I will”

“I’m so sorry for being late. Next time, I’ll leave the house on time.”

This version includes a concrete plan to avoid repeating the mistake, demonstrating that you have reflected on your actions and are committed to change. You’re taking responsibility for your actions.

4. “Sorry, I will, and thank you”

“I’m so sorry for being late. Next time, I’ll leave the house on time. Thank you for being so patient with me.”

Adding a “thank you” to your apology acknowledges the other person’s demonstration of character and elevates their status. This approach not only makes it more likely they will accept your apology but also encourages them to embody the virtue you’ve recognized.

Quick tip: Above all, be sincere and honest in your apology. Don’t say things you don’t believe. An inauthentic apology is worse than no apology.

There are different levels of apology. Reflect on past apologies you’ve given and received, and plan your next apology for maximum impact. By doing so, you can ensure your apologies are sincere, effective, and relationship-enhancing.